I don’t really know where to start so much has happened since sharing my last blog so I will start with some really big news

I got discharged from my therapy and yet that is really good news but I can’t help but worry because what if I am not better and I get even worse then I’m back to square one and I’m on my own again but on the other hand I am discharged I’m clearly moving in the right direction even if it’s only one footstep and I couldn’t be prouder of myself. But I am scared because my family and friends are so proud I got discharged but what if I muck up and I disappoint them what then, I can’t keep disappointing everyone around me.

in more news I don’t think my Anorexia is ever going away, I guess I already knew this but I kinda was hoping that it wasn’t true and it would eventually go but I guess I was wrong. I don’t really remember my life without my Anorexia which makes me so sad. All I ever think about is how many calories every piece of food is and if I eat a bit of junk food then I can’t eat dinner and if I do have dinner it has to be under 200 calories. I’m 15 and food scares me I thought I was so in control but I’m not Anorexia still takes over my life and it will always take over my life but it’s okay, I’m used to it

I’ve honestly kinda given up a little not gonna lie, I thought I was okay, I thought I could beat my Anorexia and depression but I was so naive how could I beat it when I hate myself and everyone around me hates me, I am alone and I just want someone to love me and care about me but nobody does, nobody stays for long I’ve worked that out. I am not okay and I guess that’s okay because I haven’t been okay for quite a while but nobody really noticed becase nobody cares about  me and that’s okay there is better things to worry about. I know I’m not good enough, I know I’m not pretty enough, I know this all.

Whenever I think I’m getting my life back on track and I feel better about myself, something always brings me back down to the bottomless pit of my self love and I wonder to myself why it happens to me why do I deserve not to be happy, why do I always have that gimpse of hope taken away from me, I clearly deserve to have depression and anorexia as I am such a horrible person. I always wondered If I cry long enough for someone to notice or hear maybe someone might try and save me but nobody ever does. I’ve now given up.

And if you are reading this I promise you I’m fine and I will only say im fine because I am