Before you start reading let’s get some back up music like they do in films, I think I didn’t know my own strength by Whitney Houston or Warrior by Demi lovato or Who you are by Jessie J, will go well with this blog as they describe me and my experiences

I always thought losing my gran at the age of 5 was gonna be the hardest thing in my life ever. I didn’t realise that 6 years later the hardest thing ever would be looking at myself in the mirror without crying. Then 4 years later the hardest thing would be being happy and enjoying life. I didn’t realise how hard life was going to be otherwise I would’ve just wished my parents had an abortion unlucky for me and then I’m here breathing.

I feel so bad for my mum having to put up with my dad who is honestly one of the biggest dicks I have ever met, my mum deserves so much more but not just that she has had to help me through recovery of anorexia and still does and wow she deserves an award that amount of times I’ve cried into her arms cause I didn’t want to eat anymore, the amount of times I told my mum that I wished I was dead and not once did I think about how my mum would feel that her only child wished she was dead, I’ve treated her so bad and that breaks my heart because she has a broken child and bully of a husband and now she suffers with depression and it’s my fault and I can’t help her like she has helped me.

I’ve not had a proper childhood I have suffered with Anorexia and depression since I was 11 and by 13 I developed anxiety and where am I now? Well if my hair isn’t the way I want it, I won’t go out and I start crying because I’m scared everyone will judge me and talk about me behind my back and most days before school I cry because I know I’m ugly and I think everyone is going to be talking about me behind my back saying how ugly I am and I am always scared that everyone will comment on my weight and call me fat and I panic so much before going to school because people are so judgemental. I won’t go into a shop or restaurant first because I don’t want people looking at me.

When it comes to me and food well I won’t eat food unless I know the calories and I won’t eat more than 500 calories for each meal and sometimes/most of the  time I will skip atleast one or two meals because I’m scared I’m gonna get fat and my biggest phobia is gaining weight but nobody realises how much this impacts me like I’m 15 and I cry so much over food because I’m so scared of being fat and I know other people are like that but I will stop eating for weeks on end and skip so many meals just to be skinny. Nobody realises how I feel and how much this impact me before I eat anything I check the calories and say it’s like pretzels are 90kcal but a small bag of popcorn is 123kcal and if I prefer popcorn I will eat the pretzels cause there lower in calories and that’s how my brain works. I would rather starve myself and become skinny and if I die I die than gain weight and that’s the honest truth the only reason I’m eating now is because of my mum

When it comes to me and depression, there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish I wasn’t here, it would make my mum a lot happier and her life so much easier. I just wish every time I looked in the mirror I didn’t hate what I saw. I guess that’s life. But the question is would anyone cared if I killed myself, I doubt it. But the sad part is I know this is how my mum feels and it breaks my heart because it’s my fault I’ve ruined her life and that’s will forever be on my conscious.