This is a hard story to tell people but I am going to try my hardest to keep it together. It all started half way through my first year at high school. That’s when all the unwelcoming thoughts and feelings towards my body and myself came rushing in. I would look in the mirror and wonder to myself why am I so fat and ugly. I couldn’t bare to look in the mirror or even at myself anymore without being disgusted. As weeks went by my friend started talking about calories to me and well it stuck into my head, from that day on I began to count calories. when it all started it wasn’t that bad I still ate what I classed as “junk food” but it got worse as months went on.
My eating disorder developed and got worse as every day went by. Nobody really knew what was happening to me especially not myself even though I had a feeling what was happening. My hormones were all over the place I got more annoyed, agitated, fragile and upset all the time. I was so angry and grumpy towards my parents. My parents and I argued practically everyday because of food. I refused to “fatty” foods and made sure I would eat under 1,000 calories a day because I was too fat and nobody likes fat girls. That’s when my life started to be all about food rather than education, I was too bothered about my next meal and how many calories it would be rather than paying attention in class. At this point in my life I was losing lots of weight the sad part was that everyone could see this but me, I couldn’t see any difference all I saw was fat, that life wasn’t worth living. I wanted to end my life. All I could think was how easy it would be just to stop the thoughts I wanted them to go away so much I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up again. I hated myself so much. I got so depressed I didn’t want to do anything. I lost so much weight I was a stick yet I couldn’t see it.
At this point my family and friends could see a big difference and could see I needed help. So I spoke to the school nurse and the community link worker at my school. Which helped me with my insecurities but didn’t do much for my thoughts. The school nurse could see I was very ill so she got me to see a doctor. The doctor weighed me and chatted about how I felt and that’s when I broke down crying because I eventually told someone how much I hated myself that I wished to be dead the doctor thought it would be best to admit me to CAMHS(child adolescent mental health services). The head doctor of CAHMS spoke ti me about my feelings and my thoughts and established that I was at a critical stage in my eating disorder and admitted me to hospital on the 20th of May 2015. The journey from CAHMS to the hospital was so nerve wrecking at this point I was crying my eyes out. I got to the children’s unit at the hospital. The head doctor there spoke to me and told me if I didn’t help myself now then I was going to die I only had a week to live before my organs would start failing. That hit me hard as I wanted to die but was so upset and scared when the doctor said this to me. I felt like I failed myself, my parents and my friends but most of all I felt like I failed my life. I didn’t want to see anyone I was ashamed of what I did to myself. Being in hospital felt like a dream it was all just a blur and I just wanted to go home and not get woken up every 4 hours to check my blood pressure, temperature and heart rate. I just wanted left alone to feel sorry for myself wondering whether I should just let myself die because what a life to live, I didn’t feel like I deserved to live.
I was finally allowed to go home after we arranged a CAHMS nurse to come to my house twice a week to up my meal plan and take my bloods and to make sure I was taking my two vitamin tablets as I wasn’t allowed to go to school. Amanda my CAHMS nurse took my bloods and upped my meal plan which is what she is paid to do but she did more than her job she talked to me, made me laugh, made me feel like someone actually cared about me and for me Amanda did more than her job she saved me and she is my hero if it wasn’t for her then I don’t think I would have got better the way I did. Not all heroes wear capes. Every time my meal plan got upped, I got more scared at the daunting fact of me getting fatter but I knew what would happen if I didn’t eat. I owed it to my friends and family but most of all myself to get better.
I was so bored at home I just wanted to come back to school( you will not hear me say that every again ha) and see my friends and not be stuck in the same place 24/7. I begged every nurse/doctor to let me come back to school, I couldn’t handle one more day at home. Eventually my CAHMS head doctor gave in and let me go back but on one condition I was half day for a few weeks. So obviously I jumped at the chance to see my friends and go back. It was hard at first getting back to routine especially being behind everyone meant lots of catching up to do but I was willing to do it, if it meant being back to normal but who was I kidding what is normal after having anorexia. I wasn’t back for long before I fell out with my group of friends. They all thought I was better, that my anorexia just disappeared that I no longer had it just because I ate. So they began to leave me out and ignore me. I began to think differently towards myself once again. I was so down all the time I wanted to end my life I had enough of living this rubbish life I have. I just kept thinking that I was a massive disappointment, ugly, fat, disgusting, a massive failure. This knocked my confidence a lot and I’m so insecure and have no confidence or self esteem in myself to this day. I just thought what’s the point in living. At this point in my life I still don’t see why I should be living, I would be better of dead as the life I live is not worth living, to be down everyday, wondering why I am alive when I am so ugly, fat, a massive disappointment, worthless, wishing I was everyday because I’m not good enough for anyone but nobody knows that’s how I feel nobody realises how down I really am nor how much I hate myself but that’s okay. Teachers ask what do you want to be when your older and to be honest all I want to be when I’m older is to be loved and happy not wishing that I never woke up that day. I feel sorry for my family especially my parents because to watch their only child wish they weren’t alive must be heart breaking, maybe if I wasn’t born they would have a better life. I will never be the smiley happy child I once was but that’s okay people change, life changes.
This has taught me that there is a life without caring about food constantly and there is no such thing as perfection it doesn’t exist. Everybody is amazing and beautiful no matter what they think, Nobody should change for anyone or anything always be true to yourself. This Journey has been a rollercoaster but I wouldn’t be the person I am today. This is my life.
Thank You For Reading A Small Part Of My Life x