Well here I am writing another part of my life and well im not sure where to start. This is a really touchy subject for most people including myself and im not sure im going to share this part of my life with most people because I don’t want people judging me and being nasty.

So here I go. My depression kind of came with my anorexia because as I started to see myself in a different light that’s when my life began to change I thought I was so fat and ugly that I was worthless that nobody cared about me I began to try control one aspect of my life which was my eating and that’s how I became anorexic and from then on it got worse especially the thoughts and that’s when I became badly depressed ready to end my life.

If im completely honest I don’t really know how to get my feelings out about how I really feel because all my bad thoughts and feelings are drowning me and I feel like I can’t breathe anymore that im drowning and nobody can save me not myself. Everyday I wake up wishing that I hadn’t, wishing that I died in my sleep because life is getting on top of me not being perfect enough, not being pretty enough, not being good enough for anyone. At the end of the day I come to school I put a fake smile amd pretend nothing is wrong because how do you tell someone that you wish you were dead everyday that everyday you wake up its a mistake because you know you should have died. I push everyone away when they get too close because im scared that once they see how much of a mess I am how much I hate myself they will leave and never come back, im scared to be loved because I have never loved myself so how can someone love me if I can’t even love myself. So if you are someone I have pushed away I am so sorry and I miss you but I don’t want to muck up your life as much as I have mucked up mine nobody deserves to live a life like I live.

I live in a dark, lonely, sad place and I feel like nobody likes me I feel like all my family and friends secretly hate me and I get so paranoid because I’m scared that everyone around me hates me so I tend to push everyone away but let’s be honest who really cares about someone like me I am disgusting, fat, ugly a massive disappointment. One day I wish to make my parents proud of me but right now I am there massive disappointment of a daughter with depression and anorexia who wishes she was dead.

This is how someone with depression feels every single day and night. Depression is not feeling sad now and then so don’t mistake it for that because that’s getting sad now and then depression is living with the constant pain of wishing to be dead because you feel worthless, like a waste of space, you feel like you have nobody, that nobody cares about you feel. Depression is like being in a swimming pool and the water is your thoughts and feelings people with depression are in the deep end drowning gasping for air to stay alive but finding it hard. You never really know if someone has depression I bet loads of people who thought they knew me or are meant to be my friend didn’t know I did because I smile, yeah well that’s a fake smile which is easy to put on but the truth is its because you see a smile so you think nothing is wrong but do I have to be crying or self harming in front of you to care to ask how I really am because if you look like your happy nobody asks because nobody really wants to hear the truth.

If anyone is reading this and struggling with life and thoughts I will tell you one thing YOU ARE AMAZING, YOU ARE STRONG, YOU CAN WIN THIS BATTLE, YOU ARE BRAVE, I CARE ABOUT YOU, I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE LOVED!!!!