So this is the start of a new year. Wow what a year 2016 was. I don’t think it was a good year for many people but for me it was especially a difficult and hard year. As many of you know due to my other blogs I haven’t had the best few years. 2015 wasn’t great for me either I got diagnosed with anorexia nervosa so when 2016 was rollin up I was like yes 2016 is going to be my year to get better but unfortunately 2016 wasn’t my year I ended up struggling really bad with depression and anorexia which I am still struggling with.

Anorexia and Depression have made my life so hard. I have difficulty being happy in my own body and loving myself. I have so many insecurities and confidence issues I didn’t have before anorexia and depression. I think all my friends and family hates me and I am talking to this guy that i like so much but i don’t think he likes me so I have pushed him away because i know I am by good enough for him and he doesn’t really like me.  I look in the mirror and wonder to myself why can’t I be pretty? Why can’t I be thin? Why does nobody like me? So many questions I ask myself everyday. Maybe I would be better off dead because maybe it wasn’t my destiny to live for long.

I asked one of my best friends what to write for my next blog cause I wanted to write one as I enjoy writing these for others to read and maybe inspire them to help other or to help them self. Her idea was to write a letter to someone suffering with depression in a blog so I typed it out and sent it too her and the response I got back I wasn’t expecting.

This is the letter I wrote:

Dear Reader……. I know how hard it is to live life suffering everyday with depression to have to get up in the morning when all you want to do is not bother waking up because really what is the point I get it I go through it every single day I get it. I know how much you hate yourself how you wish to be dead everyday I know how you feel, I know how sad, lonely, isolated you feel because you feel nobody understands how you feel. I know your suffering and I know your finding it hard to find a reason to live but I promise you it will get better this is just a tiny part of your life, things will get better if you let it please just take this leap of faith and let yourself believe things will get better because if you can believe you can do and it will happen. I get it I understand your scared of being happy just in case you fall and it happens all over again that you get so depressed your ready to take your own life but I promise you if you fall I will pick up every single piece of you and put you back together because you deserve to be happy, to feel loved but most of all you deserve to feel worthy of having a life.

She sent it back to me and said to me how come you will believe in someone else? But not yourself? And that hit deep I never thought about it like that. And that’s when I was like it’s time, it’s time for me to get myself back on my feet and begin a new path in my journey of life. Last night I decided 2017 will be my year and I will make sure of that I don’t care how long it takes but I am getting control of my life back again. There will be bad days and good days while I recover but I will triumph the bad days because I am getting control of my life whether depression and anorexia like that. I will no longer fuel the fire with negative thoughts, I choose to be happy

I CHOOSE RECOVERY!!

Thank you to my best friend for helping me x

Well here I am writing another part of my life and well im not sure where to start. This is a really touchy subject for most people including myself and im not sure im going to share this part of my life with most people because I don’t want people judging me and being nasty.

So here I go. My depression kind of came with my anorexia because as I started to see myself in a different light that’s when my life began to change I thought I was so fat and ugly that I was worthless that nobody cared about me I began to try control one aspect of my life which was my eating and that’s how I became anorexic and from then on it got worse especially the thoughts and that’s when I became badly depressed ready to end my life.

If im completely honest I don’t really know how to get my feelings out about how I really feel because all my bad thoughts and feelings are drowning me and I feel like I can’t breathe anymore that im drowning and nobody can save me not myself. Everyday I wake up wishing that I hadn’t, wishing that I died in my sleep because life is getting on top of me not being perfect enough, not being pretty enough, not being good enough for anyone. At the end of the day I come to school I put a fake smile amd pretend nothing is wrong because how do you tell someone that you wish you were dead everyday that everyday you wake up its a mistake because you know you should have died. I push everyone away when they get too close because im scared that once they see how much of a mess I am how much I hate myself they will leave and never come back, im scared to be loved because I have never loved myself so how can someone love me if I can’t even love myself. So if you are someone I have pushed away I am so sorry and I miss you but I don’t want to muck up your life as much as I have mucked up mine nobody deserves to live a life like I live.

I live in a dark, lonely, sad place and I feel like nobody likes me I feel like all my family and friends secretly hate me and I get so paranoid because I’m scared that everyone around me hates me so I tend to push everyone away but let’s be honest who really cares about someone like me I am disgusting, fat, ugly a massive disappointment. One day I wish to make my parents proud of me but right now I am there massive disappointment of a daughter with depression and anorexia who wishes she was dead.

This is how someone with depression feels every single day and night. Depression is not feeling sad now and then so don’t mistake it for that because that’s getting sad now and then depression is living with the constant pain of wishing to be dead because you feel worthless, like a waste of space, you feel like you have nobody, that nobody cares about you feel. Depression is like being in a swimming pool and the water is your thoughts and feelings people with depression are in the deep end drowning gasping for air to stay alive but finding it hard. You never really know if someone has depression I bet loads of people who thought they knew me or are meant to be my friend didn’t know I did because I smile, yeah well that’s a fake smile which is easy to put on but the truth is its because you see a smile so you think nothing is wrong but do I have to be crying or self harming in front of you to care to ask how I really am because if you look like your happy nobody asks because nobody really wants to hear the truth.

If anyone is reading this and struggling with life and thoughts I will tell you one thing YOU ARE AMAZING, YOU ARE STRONG, YOU CAN WIN THIS BATTLE, YOU ARE BRAVE, I CARE ABOUT YOU, I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE LOVED!!!!

This is a hard story to tell people but I am going to try my hardest to keep it together. It all started half way through my first year at high school. That’s when all the unwelcoming thoughts and feelings towards my body and myself came rushing in. I would look in the mirror and wonder to myself why am I so fat and ugly. I couldn’t bare to look in the mirror or even at myself anymore without being disgusted. As weeks went by my friend started talking about calories to me and well it stuck into my head, from that day on I began to count calories. when it all started it wasn’t that bad I still ate what I classed as “junk food” but it got worse as months went on.

My eating disorder developed and got worse as every day went by. Nobody really knew what was happening to me especially not myself even though I had a feeling what was happening. My hormones were all over the place I got more annoyed, agitated, fragile and upset all the time. I was so angry and grumpy towards my parents. My parents and I argued practically everyday because of food. I refused to “fatty” foods and made sure I would eat under 1,000 calories a day because I was too fat and nobody likes fat girls. That’s when my life started to be all about food rather than education, I was too bothered about my next meal and how many calories it would be rather than paying attention in class. At this point in my life I was losing lots of weight the sad part was that everyone could see this but me, I couldn’t see any difference all I saw was fat, that life wasn’t worth living. I wanted to end my life. All I could think was how easy it would be just to stop the thoughts I wanted them to go away so much I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up again. I hated myself so much. I got so depressed I didn’t want to do anything. I lost so much weight I was a stick yet I couldn’t see it.

At this point my family and friends could see a big difference and could see I needed help. So I spoke to the school nurse and the community link worker at my school. Which helped me with my insecurities but didn’t do much for my thoughts. The school nurse could see I was very ill so she got me to see a doctor. The doctor weighed me and chatted about how I felt and that’s when I broke down crying because I eventually told someone how much I hated myself that I wished to be dead the doctor thought it would be best to admit me to CAMHS(child adolescent mental health services). The head doctor of CAHMS spoke ti me about my feelings and my thoughts and established that I was at a critical stage in my eating disorder and admitted me to hospital on the 20th of May 2015. The journey from CAHMS to the hospital was so nerve wrecking at this point I was crying my eyes out. I got to the children’s unit at the hospital. The head doctor there spoke to me and told me if I didn’t help myself now then I was going to die I only had a week to live before my organs would start failing. That hit me hard as I wanted to die but was so upset and scared when the doctor said this to me. I felt like I failed myself, my parents and my friends but most of all I felt like I failed my life. I didn’t want to see anyone I was ashamed of what I did to myself. Being in hospital felt like a dream it was all just a blur and I just wanted to go home and not get woken up every 4 hours to check my blood pressure, temperature and heart rate. I just wanted left alone to feel sorry for myself wondering whether I should just let myself die because what a life to live, I didn’t feel like I deserved to live.

I was finally allowed to go home after we arranged a CAHMS nurse to come to my house twice a week to up my meal plan and take my bloods and to make sure I was taking my two vitamin tablets as I wasn’t allowed to go to school. Amanda my CAHMS nurse took my bloods and upped my meal plan which is what she is paid to do but she did more than her job she talked to me, made me laugh, made me feel like someone actually cared about me and for me Amanda did more than her job she saved me and she is my hero if it wasn’t for her then I don’t think I would have got better the way I did. Not all heroes wear capes. Every time my meal plan got upped, I got more scared at the daunting fact of me getting fatter but I knew what would happen if I didn’t eat. I owed it to my friends and family but most of all myself to get better.

I was so bored at home I just wanted to come back to school( you will not hear me say that every again ha) and see my friends and not be stuck in the same place 24/7. I begged every nurse/doctor to let me come back to school, I couldn’t handle one more day at home. Eventually my CAHMS head doctor gave in and let me go back but on one condition I was half day for a few weeks. So obviously I jumped at the chance to see my friends and go back. It was hard at first getting back to routine especially being behind everyone meant lots of catching up to do but I was willing to do it, if it meant being back to normal but who was I kidding what is normal after having anorexia. I wasn’t back for long before I fell out with my group of friends. They all thought I was better, that my anorexia just disappeared that I no longer had it just because I ate. So they began to leave me out and ignore me. I began to think differently towards myself once again. I was so down all the time I wanted to end my life I had enough of living this rubbish life I have. I just kept thinking that I was a massive disappointment, ugly, fat, disgusting, a massive failure. This knocked my confidence a lot and I’m so insecure and have no confidence or self esteem in myself to this day. I just thought what’s the point in living. At this point in my life I still don’t see why I should be living, I would be better of dead as the life I live is not worth living, to be down everyday, wondering why I am alive when I am so ugly, fat, a massive disappointment, worthless, wishing I was everyday because I’m not good enough for anyone but nobody knows that’s how I feel nobody realises how down I really am nor how much I hate myself but that’s okay. Teachers ask what do you want to be when your older and to be honest all I want to be when I’m older is to be loved and happy not wishing that I never woke up that day. I feel sorry for my family especially my parents because to watch their only child wish they weren’t alive must be heart breaking, maybe if I wasn’t born they would have a better life. I will never be the smiley happy child I once was but that’s okay people change, life changes.

This has taught me that there is a life without caring about food constantly and there is no such thing as perfection it doesn’t exist. Everybody is amazing and beautiful no matter what they think, Nobody should change for anyone or anything always be true to yourself. This Journey has been a rollercoaster but I wouldn’t be the person I am today. This is my life.

Thank You For Reading A Small Part Of My Life x